You
are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need
to fart. The
music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.
After
a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach
your
stop. As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring
you down, and
that's when you realize, you have been listening to
your iPod...
A man had 50-yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he
sits down, another
man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat
next to him. "No,"
he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible,"
said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a
seat like this for the
Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world,
and not use
it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to
come with
my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we
haven't been to
together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh, I'm sorry
to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone
else -- a friend
or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
Barack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped,
fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the
Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him
out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disneyland'
Barack, said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on my special Senator's airplane.'
The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's shoes.'
Barack said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them.'
The third kid said, 'I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!'
Barack was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're disabled.'
The kid said, 'I will be, after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!'
December 8 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and The wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by
The window watching the huge soft flakes drift down rom heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print.
So Romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow Covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic
Sight! Can there be a more lovely place in The whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've Ever had!
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a Boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered Up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got To
shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a Disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- We'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much Snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see Snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such A nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The Temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything Sparkle so.
The wind took my breath away, but I warmed Up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is The life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and Buried everything again. I didn't Realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, But I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 Extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants A wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in The driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The Wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very Cruel.
December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go Anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to Pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but Stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I Should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to Her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20
Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of The damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all Day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said They're too busy playing hockey. I think they're Lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about Buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have Another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob Says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more Inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold, It probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes To get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I Had to piss.
By the time I got undressed, pissed and Dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to Hire Bob who has a plow
on his truck for the rest of The winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the Asshole is lying.
December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house This morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.
December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke The shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I Ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow Plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and Beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he Hides around the corner and waits for me to finish Shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 Miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just Been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas Carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.
December 25
Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow!Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful
Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother.
Nine more inches predicted.
December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
